


Before You Go (I Have Something To Tell You)

by WennyT



Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ
Genre: Alternate Universe, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2017-12-29 00:11:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WennyT/pseuds/WennyT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin has something to tell Yunho before he goes. AU. Set in the Before U Go MV universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before You Go (I Have Something To Tell You)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whatkindoftea (haeli)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haeli/gifts).



 

 

 

 

* * *

_난 그대가 훅-하고 내 곁에서 날아가 버릴까  
단 하루도 휴-하고 쉴 수조차 없었단 말야_

* * *

“ _Hyung_ ,” Changmin catches at Yunho’s arm, pulling at him slightly. The hand that Yunho has on Ara’s shoulder loosens, dropping down to his side as Yunho turns, gazing at Changmin questioningly. The younger man shifts left, then right, hands clenched into fists. “ _Hyung_ , I need to talk to you.”

“Okay,” Yunho replies easily, turning to offer a reassuring smile at Ara before walking with Changmin a few steps away, until they are standing at a corner of the warehouse the drug lord had used for the meeting. “Yeah? What is it?”

“ _Hyung_ , I—” Changmin takes a deep breath. Lifts his head to look at Yunho straight on. “I. _Hyung_ , I—”

Yunho nods, smiling quizzically, and makes a well-go-on motion with his hands.

“I—” Changmin opens his mouth. This is it. He can do this. He knows he can. “I—”

Yunho arches an eyebrow.

Changmin feels his breath whooshing out. “—I’m hungry, _hyung_.” Shit. That wasn’t what he wanted to say. _Coward_.

Yunho stares uncomprehendingly at Changmin for precisely eleven seconds. Then he doubles over laughing.

Changmin purses his lips, glancing about to make sure no one is paying attention to the Director of NDI frowning somberly at the sight of his best friend bent half and almost crying in mirth.

“Thought— haha— thought you were going to—something serious—haha— hungry—thought— hahahahaha— something bad— Hahahahhahah!”

“Right.” Changmin deadpans and grabs at the collar of Yunho’s jacket, half-dragging the older man along. “I’ll take that as a yes to having supper then.”

 

* * *

 

 

  
_그대만 바라보는 것이 부담스럽다고 느낀다면 난 이제 그만 떠날게_   
_내 감정을 다스리지 못해 그댈 괴롭게 했던 거라면 이제 난 물러날게_   


 

* * *

 

Changmin waves goodbye to Ara in the distance and thinks somewhat bitterly that Yunho’s girlfriend is perfect, so perfect that she’s immediately understanding when his best friend takes him away from her with the excuse of “Yunho- _hyung_ and I are going to supper”.

He wouldn’t have let go that easily if Yunho was h—

No.

They get into Yunho’s beaten-up Jeep, Changmin taking the wheel as he always does whenever the two of them are actually in a car together.

Yunho fastens his seatbelt and looks over, lips quirking. “Our regular place?”

It’s filled with memories of Joongyun, though, and that’s enough for Changmin to hesitate. The run-down stall that Yunho is referring to is a frequent haunt for all three of them since their university days. Changmin doesn’t know if he can really deal with the pain when the wound is still so fresh.

 _But,_ a part of him whispers, _weren’t you determined to make new memories today? That’ll help you wipe out the old, won’t it?_

“Yes,” he nods, one hand upon the brake and another on the steering wheel. He doesn't look at Yunho. “Yes, let’s.”

He steps on the accelerator.

 

* * *

  
_이것만은 알고가 너만  
사랑했었던 단 한 남자였다고_   


* * *

Changmin pours a shot of _soju_ for Yunho, holding out a hand to halt the other when he reaches for the bottle to pour for Changmin in return. He sends Yunho a terse smile and fills his own glass to the brim, grabbing for it and tossing it back once he sets the bottle back on the table. The cheap liquor burns fiery hot down his throat, and he throws back another shot before Yunho’s hand comes down over his.

“Changmin-ah, are you thinking about—” Yunho’s voice dies in his throat, and he sighs, a hand gently prying away Changmin’s glass. “Let’s talk about it, I don’t want you to drink like this, it isn’t healthy for your body.”

Changmin snorts and drums his fingers against the cheap wood, vision already slightly hazy from two shots of _soju_ on an empty stomach. He wasn’t even thinking about Joongyun when he downed those two shots. He needs them for Dutch courage, to say things that he’s been denying for far too long.

He supposes he should thank Joongyun then, that two-faced bastard. If he hadn’t pointed a gun at Changmin earlier tonight, if he hadn’t shot Yunho in the knee months before, Changmin will still be telling himself that all he feels for Yunho is nothing but the friendship one should feel for one’s long-time best friend. One’s long-time, very male best friend. One’s long-time, very male best friend with a girlfriend. “I’m fine, _hyung_.”

“No, you aren’t,” an undertone of steel creeps into Yunho’s voice, and fuck if Changmin doesn’t immediately harden at the hint of command he hears. Shit, Changmin thinks dismally, ceasing in his drumming, he’s so whipped. He’s so dead. The realization makes what he says sound curter than what he really means. “I think I know myself better than you do, Yunho.”

The lack of honorifics is enough to render Yunho taken aback, but it’s the way Changmin says it, as though Yunho is a stranger, as though Yunho isn’t his best friend; _that_ hurts. He musters up a smile. Changmin doesn’t mean that, Changmin’s just tired. They all are, after the events of today. _He’s_ tired and he isn’t the one who was very nearly killed. “You don’t mean that, I’m your best friend, you—”

He jumps when Changmin slams a fist on the table, the force hard enough to spill _soju_ out from Yunho’s still-full glass. “Joongyun was your best friend. He was my best friend too. And look at where that’s gotten us? A gun pointed at my head and a bullet to your knee. How well can you say you know him, then? How confident are you of saying you know me, then?”

Yunho is very still, hands curled loosely and placed upon his thighs. “Changmin, what are you trying to say?”

“I—Just.” Changmin grabs for the _soju_ , and before Yunho can stop him, he tips his head back, bottle at his lips, not stopping until not one drop is left. “ _Hyung_. Look, I really don’t know how to say this, but—”

“But?” Yunho enquires softly. Too softly.

“ _Hyung_ —Yunho. I don’t want to be friends anymore.” The words are out before Changmin realizes what he has said, and Yunho stands up a second later, movements jerky like an old stop-motion animation film. Changmin doesn’t notice, still amazed at his own alcohol-fuelled audacity. He cannot quite believe he’s said it, that he’s actually given voice to the feelings that have bubbled in him for a long while.

“I see,” Yunho’s gaze is blank, and there’s something in his voice –or lack thereof—that makes Changmin look up. Yunho is smiling, but Changmin has never seen that smile before, not in the entire decade he’s known the older man. It’s the first time he’s seen Yunho direct a smile at him that doesn’t reach his eyes. “I see. If that’s your wish, Changmin- _ssi_.”

It’s the polite address that tips Changmin off, that something is not quite right. He doesn't expect it though, still goes immobile with shock when Yunho simply turns on his heel and walks away from Changmin. He doesn’t even call out a goodbye to the stall owner.

Changmin doesn’t remember Yunho doing that even once in the entire course of their friendship. Yunho doesn’t walk away from Changmin, ever. He gapes at the departing figure, thoughts scattered – _Did I repulse him? Is Yunho now homophobic? Was I too blunt? Did I scared him?_ — as he tries to gather them, to gather his composure, but without much success.

It doesn’t hit him until Yunho turns the street corner and disappears from sight.

He goes over his words, his actions again, and then he gets it. Changmin smacks himself in the forehead and lets slip a curse loud enough for the owner to cluck her tongue loudly at him. Of course, the way he said it— Yunho is bound to misunderstand— why is he such a _stupid_ idiot—

“Stupid. _Stupid_. You’re a stupid idiot, Shim Changmin,” he says out loud, and ignores the censuring looks he can see the owner giving him, with his peripheral sight. “You’re so fucking stupid that you shouldn’t be allowed to live. You _stupid_ shithead.”

He throws down a few bills that are more than enough to cover what they had ordered and exits the stall, throwing a hasty farewell over his shoulder at the owner, who doesn’t pause in her clucking.

Striding briskly, he turns the street corner to find Yunho’s Jeep still parked at the side of the road. Yunho is nowhere in sight.

Changmin breaks into a run.

* * *

 

  
_내 가슴에 푹 -하고 안겨 나눈 1 년 만의 첫 키 스_   
_난 나를주고 말았다,언제라도 그렇다_   


 

* * *

 

He finds Yunho five minutes later, seated at a wooden bench at a nearby park they used to frequent when they were still students. Rain starts to fall, a light spring drizzle that mists against the skin, so unlike the fat rain droplets characteristic of summer storms.

Yunho makes to get up as Changmin sits down beside him, but Changmin puts out a hand to stay him.

“Hyung, don’t go. I kind of said that in a wrong way, let me explain,” Changmin rushes it all out in one breath, fearful that Yunho will just get up and walk away if he isn’t quick enough.

Yunho stays silent, but he doesn’t leave. Changmin takes that as implicit encouragement to continue.

“I mean what I said, I don’t want us to be friends anymore. But—” he hastens to add, as Yunho’s shoulders tense, “I don’t mean I want us to break off contact. I mean the opposite. I mean— I— Fuck, this is really hard— give me a few seconds—”

 _Get a hold of yourself, Shim._ He repeats the command in his head a few times until he no longer feels like stuttering, and looks up. Yunho is staring at him, the dreadful blankness in his eyes replaced by curiosity and a hint of apprehension. Changmin sucks in a breath, nervous fingers folding pleats in his greatcoat, the material made somewhat damp by the light spring rain. “I—okay.”

He bites his lip, so hard that he can taste copper, and thinks, _to hell with it_. He can do this. “Okay, there’s no way to put this delicately or anything, but I—”

He takes a deep breath and goes for it.

“I’m in love with you, Jung Yunho.” Changmin stares hard at the wet gravel of the path and forces himself to continue. Yunho shifts beside him and Changmin pauses, a little hopeful and a lot fearful.

He goes on when Yunho does nothing else, voice breaking slightly, “I think—no, I know. I _know_ I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for years, but I thought—I wouldn’t— I didn’t want to say it because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. ”

“Changmin-ah.” Yunho finally speaks, but Changmin shakes his head frantically. “No, _hyung_ —Yunho—please, let me finish, you can object later, okay? Just let me finish, I need to say this. I need to.”

He shudders, drawing in another lungful of air. “I didn’t want to—you’re too precious to me, and I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want to ruin us. I know you’re not a homosexual, and you have Ara, and the two of you are happy, so happy together, and I— It hurts to look at you two sometimes but— you’re so happy that it makes _me_ happy too, and I thought I’ll bring this to the grave with me, or maybe until my feelings for you fade, but then tonight— Tonight happened.”

He grips at the edge of the bench with both hands. “When Joongyun pointed that gun at my head tonight, I really thought I was going to die. And then I realize I didn’t—I _don’t_ want to die without you knowing, at least. So I prayed. I prayed to your God, and I promised Him, that if I could leave the warehouse alive, I was going to tell you. I told him, save me, please, keep me alive so that I can stop being a coward. So that I can let Yunho know about my feelings.”

“So, yeah. Well. Now you know.” Changmin scuffs a shoe at the pavement and tilts his face up towards the rain, eyes closing. He doesn’t want to look at Yunho when his best friend breaks the friendship with him. When he declares how disgusted he is with Changmin. “I’m not asking for anything— Well, I am. I want to be more than friends. But you don’t have to feel— I just, I’m fine with you saying no. I just wanted to let you know that being only friends isn’t what I want, but if— if that’s what _you_ want, then that’s okay too.”

Silence greets the end of his rambling speech, and Changmin opens his eyes, worried that Yunho has sneaked away in the middle of his –disgusting, stupid, clumsy— confession. He comes face-to-face with Yunho instead, the other having leant in so close, that their foreheads are almost pressed together.

Yunho’s eyelashes are spiky with the rain and something else.  Changmin bites the inside of his cheek, almost too afraid to hope. “H- _hyung_?”

“You’re an idiot, Shim Changmin,” Yunho says, voice unsteady. Changmin can feel hope unfurling within him, and he resists, beating it down until it is a dim flare inside him. He can’t have any expectations, it is too—

His mind blanks at gentle pressure on his lips. Warm. Moist. And then it moves, and Changmin realizes with a start that it’s Yunho. Kissing him. On the lips.

Yunho is kissing him voluntarily on the lips.

Changmin doesn’t think he can move, but Yunho makes an inquisitive sound and traces his tongue against the closed seam of Changmin’s mouth.

Changmin's control breaks. Growling, he yanks at Yunho’s shoulders until they are pressed, head to head, chest to chest, thigh to thigh; sitting side by side on the bench and turned towards, into each other. He parts his lips, sucking Yunho’s tongue in and curls his own about it.

The rain continues to fall about them, heavier now; muting out their surroundings until there is nothing but just the two of them. Just Yunho and Changmin.

Carding a hand through the damp hair at the back of the older man’s neck, Changmin entwines his fingers into the soft strands, holding on firmly and eats at his mouth, their kisses voraciously unrestrained. They gasp into each other’s mouth, and Changmin slants his lips over Yunho’s over and over again, fingers wound tightly into Yunho’s rain-soaked hair and stroking circles into the older man's scalp.

They only part when the rain deigns to develop into a downpour, and Changmin chokes as water gets inside his nose somehow, and he has to separate from Yunho in order to breathe. “Ah- Fuu-”

Yunho laughs at him, amused by the atypical sight of Changmin clawing frantically at his nose, so unlike his usual elegant self. But he quietens down when Changmin lowers his hand to give him an injured look, and Yunho can’t help but lean forward to slip his arms about Changmin’s waist. He sighs, resting his cheek against Changmin’s chest, the damp wool scratchy against his skin.

“Yunho,” Changmin tries after his nose clears, unsure of his luck but eager to know anyway. Yunho answers him with a hum and tightens his arms about Changmin. “Yunho, does this mean—well—does this mean you love me, too?”

“You’re an idiot, Shim Changmin.”

 

* * *

  
_나는 단지 입을 닫고  
너의 행복만을 바래주고 싶었어_   


* * *

“What about Ara?”

“What do you mean, what about her?”

“If we’re—you know—then what about her?”

“Well, about that…”

“What’s that look for?”

“I sort of… went into that relationship with… Er.”

“What?”

“I—well. I only dated her to try to forget you.”

“….”

“Changmin?”

“…”

“Changmin-ah.”

“…But the two of you have been together for eight years.”

“I— Yeah.”

“ _Eight_ years.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been trying to ‘forget me’ for eight years?”

“Well—if you put it that way—”

“Yes or no?”

“… Yes.”

“ _Shit_.”

“Are you angry?”

“Not at you. Don’t worry. I’m just—fuck. All that lost time. _Fuck_!”

“I didn’t— I thought you only saw me as your best friend, and. Well.”

“I came out to you about my sexuality in our final year at university, Yunho.”

“Yeah but, I well—er, I always thought you were crushing on Joongyun.”

“ _What_?”

“Yes, okay, I’m an idiot too.”

“You are. You _are_. Joongyun? And I? Aside from the fact that I hate his fucking guts now, what— why— how did you even begin to think—”

“You always had your arms around each other, and there was all that laughing—”

“I do that with you too, you _idiot_.”

“Oh. Yeah. Oh. Shit.”

“Yes, well said. ‘Shit’, indeed. But that doesn’t change the fact that Ara’s going to get hurt. By us.”

“Oh, about that—you don’t have to worry. She knows about this... why do you think she made my birthday celebration all romantic, then called you over?”

“She _knows_?”

“Yeah, she’s known for a long time. Ferreted it out of me when I got drunk, erm, two months into our relationship.”

“So you two are not—you two have not—”

“Nope.”

“What the _fuck_. So all the shit I’ve been torturing myself with— not true?”

“Nope.”

“ _What the fuck_.”

 

 

 

 

**END.**

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics used in this piece are:
> 
> 난 그대가 훅-하고 내 곁에서 날아가 버릴까 / 단 하루도 휴-하고 쉴 수조차 없었단 말야  
> (I wondered if you might just fly away from my side / I couldn’t even rest for a day or breathe a sigh of relief);
> 
> 그대만 바라보는 것이 부담스럽다고 느낀다면 난 이제 그만 떠날게 / 내 감정을 다스리지 못해 그댈 괴롭게 했던 거라면 이제 난 물러날게  
> (If you feel burdened by me only looking at you, I will leave now / If my uncontrollable emotions have bothered you, I will back off now)
> 
> 이것만은 알고가 너만 / 사랑했었던 단 한 남자였다고  
> (Just know before you go / that I was the one man who loved you only)
> 
> 내 가슴에 푹-하고 안겨 나눈 1년만의 첫 키스 /난 나를 주고 말았다, 언제라도 그렇다  
> (The day I shielded and breathed on your cold hands due to the cold wind / The first kiss we shared for the first time in a year as I embraced you tightly)
> 
> 나는 단지 입을 닫고 너의 행복만을 바래주고 싶었어  
> (I simply wanted to close my lips and wish for your happiness)
> 
> English translation is credited to moonlightunes.wordpress.com


End file.
